Society covers up unhealthy relationships and romanticizes abuse.
If you’re here today, it may be from curiosity. And you may be here because you have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not in a healthy relationship, whether platonic or romantic. Whatever the reason, dear reader, it is good for every individual to recognize the signs and learn to escape before it is too late.
Types of Abuse
Emotional Abuse
–Overprotection: When what seems like good intentions can be bad. This is when jealousy takes over the abuser and instead of normal protective instincts, they control and watch everything you do.
–Isolation: This can go hand in hand with overprotection if the isolation is from other people. But it is also a type of abuse when the abuser withdraws and neglects you.
–Exploitation: Normally this is talking about financial abuse. However, any type of material abuse is exploitation. Sometimes it can be hard to recognize and may have even started as your idea.
Verbal Abuse
–Gaslighting: Commonly a tactic of the narcissist, gaslighting is when the abuser confuses you and turns you against yourself. This is an extremely damaging type of abuse and is one of the hardest to notice.
–Name-calling: This can be paired with violent language abuse, but sometimes name-calling can be mistaken for teasing.
–Guilt tripping: Another type of abuse that is hard to spot, and even when you notice this it is hard to convince yourself that it’s abuse. The way the abuser uses their emotions defines it.
–Body shaming: Unfortunately, this is a common type of abuse. Many are body-shamed from kids to their deathbeds. It is harmful, but many people grow desensitized to it over time. This is why it is hard for them to notice it is abuse when someone close to them does it.
–Violent language: Cursing is usually present in the average conversation, especially if someone is upset. When someone uses curses against someone else respectively this is when it is abuse. Threats and yelling at someone is also a form of violent language abuse.
Physical Abuse
–Violence: Normally easy to recognize, especially if it is aggressive physical acts. However there are multiple types of physical abuse.
–Stalking: Creepy stalker vibes don’t always come from strangers. Sometimes the abuser is someone close to you and is not a serial killer. Yes, stalkers don’t have to be serial killers.
Sexual Abuse
–R*pe: Besides the memory being blocked out, adults will know if this is happening to them. Younger adults and children may not. The definition is very narrowly described, but the real definition will explain what exactly it is.
–Assault: Another type of abuse that is hard to recognize, especially if the abuser is someone you know and trust like a partner/friend/family member.
–Harassment: Name calling, explicit language and comments, and some touches are types of sexual harassment. Usually, if it is outright explicit it is easily recognizable, but sometimes the abuser uses a “joking around” tactic that confuses their victim and lets them continue their harassment.
–Abusive PDA: Holding hands, hugging, and even kissing in public is something most couples are comfortable doing. But PDA can be bad when it is taken to the extreme or done without permission.
Recognizing the Abuse
Overprotection
Overprotection is not good in any situation. However, sometimes it is something that can be worked through. For those of you who have read ACOTAR, spoiler alert. Tamlin is a case of abusive overprotection. Locking someone in the house is a bad type of overprotection. Meanwhile, if you have been in bad situations or are currently in one, then the overprotection most likely comes from a place of anxiety. This is when communication is needed to work through it. If the overprotection is from jealousy or anger and the abuser refuses to communicate, this is when you need to get out of the situation and stop trying to make it work.
Isolation
Isolation from others or the abuser. YES, it IS abuse if someone close to you refuses to communicate and ignores you. The symptoms of isolation are very damaging and it will be discussed later in the article. There is also when the abuser forces or guilts you into not talking to other people. It could be a jealousy issue, or a “traditional values” issue, or a tactic of manipulation. Jealousy is unhealthy, sometimes it is warranted, if they have a history of being betrayed and cheated on. But if the abuser does not want to work through these issues with you, then it is a lost cause.
Traditional values are DESENSITIZED in today’s world. No healthy relationship should have a partnership where they are not allowed to speak to the gender they are attracted to. It is common in many heteronormative marriages today where they drop other people as friends because it is looked down upon in traditional culture.
If isolation is being used as a tactic of manipulation, then you’re possibly dealing with a narcissist or a cunning abuser. If you can’t find a reason behind the abuser isolating you, then you need to leave that relationship quickly before something worse happens.
Exploitation
Exploitation is, as aforementioned, an abuse of your material things. In most cases, this is money. But it can also be food and valuable items. In more extreme cases, it could be blackmailing you into giving the abuser your money. In other cases, it could be someone you’re close with who begs for money or presents until you give them what they want. It could even be small things, like a friend asking you to bring them breakfast or a snack, and then slowly turning it into something they act like they deserve to have. Narcissists especially are known to take what you give and then turn it around on you if you don’t constantly keep giving. Do not give into this tactic, get yourself out before you go broke.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting… where to begin with this awful abusive device. Narcissists have been mentioned a lot in this article, and that’s because they are one of the most cunning and abusive types of people. Another article on Narcissistic abuse will be released by The Bookish Bistro soon. That being said, gaslighting is commonly used by, you guessed it, narcissists. Gaslighting is often hard to spot, it is also hard to describe. Most think gaslighting is: “You did this.” “No, I didn’t.”
But it is a mixture of fake emotions used to flip a situation on the victim.
Ex: The victim could be minding their own business, and the abuser could claim they were ignoring them. At first, the rational mind would tell them, “I was not. When did I do that?” But then the abuser will craft a story that is close to the truth, perhaps: “I was talking to you because I am upset and you brushed me off.” Then point out a recent time the victim was perhaps lost in their head. It gives the victim a reason to do a double take and consider the possibility that they did ignore this person. Then the abuser will use false emotions and harsh language to convince the victim that accidentally ignoring them was a horrible thing.
Sometimes the abuser takes it a step further and uses the victim’s guilt to convince them they have to make it up to them. It becomes a cycle that starts with something small. Soon the victim’s apologies aren’t enough, the apologies are “weak” or “not enough”. If the victim tries to distance themselves from the abuser, the abuser plays the neglect card. If the victim stands up for themselves, the abuser tells everyone that the victim is the abuser.
Name-calling
Name-calling is an immature type of abuse, but abuse nonetheless. Done by strangers, it can perhaps be brushed off as bullying or churlishness. When it comes to someone close to you, it takes a heavier toll on your mental health. Name-calling is demeaning words told to someone to tear them down. It can be extreme language or it could be small things that work slowly over time to hurt you.
Guilt-tripping
Guilt tripping is used in gaslighting often. It was mentioned earlier how the abuser will use their emotions, whether false or true, to make you work in their favor. That is what guilt-tripping is. It comes from people you are close to, they use your feelings for them to get what they want. However, you mustn’t call someone a guilt tripper if they’re telling you their feelings because it is important to them. The key difference between communication and guilt-tripping is the little twist of the word “you”. “You messed up. You made me mad.” In healthy conversations, the upset person will lead with”I”. “I felt this way when you did this.“
Body Shaming
Body Shaming, usually used towards biological women, is any negative comment about one’s body. It does not matter if someone poses it as a joke because behind every joke there is truth. No one should make excuses for someone who repeatedly makes comments about their body. Whether you know it or not, your mind absorbs these comments and uses them against yourself.
Violent language
Violent Language is another narcissistic device. But other abusers will use this as well. These abusers usually have lots of anger and low empathy. It’s normal to use graphic language such as cursing or threats in day-to-day conversations. People use violent language when engaged in fights as well. Neither of those is abuse, though unhealthy. It becomes abusive when the abuser is using violent language against a silent victim. Anger against anger will become an unhealthy fight. But anger against fear is abuse.
Physical violence
Physical violence can be to you or your property. Punching, hitting, kicking, and stabbing. Violence is easy to recognize when it’s big things like those. When blood is drawn and stuff breaks, it is easy to categorize it as physical abuse. Less people know about smaller acts of violence. But the small things are still abuse. Grabbing, scratching, pulling, and shaking are all included in physical violence.
Stalking
Stalking…gross. But it still happens. Stalking doesn’t always mean following someone to their home, stalking is defined as “criminal unwanted observation”. Now depending on what the stalking contains, it may not be a felony. It’s a form of extreme obsession. A stalker may keep photos of you or steal little things from you. A stalker could be a stranger, but it could also be your friend or partner. It’s hard to know if someone is stalking you, but if you notice weird behavior you should get help immediately.
R*pe
Rape. If a biological woman is abused like this by a random biological man she doesn’t know, then it is easy to say: “Yes that is rape” without a doubt. Unfortunately, society discredits many other experiences. A friend can be a rapist, a family member, and even a partner. A man can be raped by a woman, and anyone can be raped by anyone.*TRIGGER* <Oral methods and hand methods also count as rape.> Do not let society give one cookie-cutter experience to choose from.
Assault
Assault is often romanticized. Strong men who take kisses without asking are portrayed as attractive. For those who haven’t figured it out yet: It is assault if there’s no explicit consent. You don’t wait for a no, you wait for a yes. Non-victims believe it is easy to fight back and say no, but fear immobilizes a person.
*TRIGGER* Physical flirting, inappropriate touching above and below clothes, kissing, licking, and biting are all assault if there is no consent.
Victims discredit their own experiences because they believe the things done to them weren’t bad enough to be considered assault. Along with that, if a friend or partner does it then the victim is more likely to discredit the abuse.
Just because you are close with someone, does not mean they have automatic consent.
Harassment
Harassment, otherwise known as flirting. Not light-hearted flirting meant to compliment and endear someone. This is the flirting one might get at a sleazy bar. Disrespectful, intrusive, and sexual flirting. Commenting on someone sexually is harassment. “Complimenting” someone disrespectfully is also harassment.
Even if this is a friend doing it as a joke, unless you have permitted them to disrespect you, then they are harassing you. You don’t have to laugh along with them, you can call it out as harassment and remove yourself from the abuse.
Abusive PDA
PDA is usually abuse found within romantic relationships. Public displays of affection are not abusive by nature, and quite often they are innocent acts. However, if a romantic partner disregards your feelings about PDA then it is sexual abuse. It becomes more concretely abusive when the partner is committing extreme acts of affection in public. These may be things the victim is okay with doing in private, but it does not give their romantic partner automatic consent to perform these acts around others. A romantic partner should ask before doing any PDA. If the partner is unaware that small acts of PDA make you uncomfortable, then communication is needed first. If the partner does not listen, it becomes abuse.
What to Do If You’re Being Abused
Many types of abuse plague this century, if you are a victim then remove yourself situation or find someone who can remove you. Remember not to stand up to or fight an abuser, many abusers will flip the situation on you if they suspect you might tell someone. In an abusive situation, removal and healing is the most important. Although the abuser deserves to be dealt with, it can sometimes cause more trauma to a victim.
Always choose your own mental health over giving thirtieth chances.
Author: L.F.
Immediate Free Therapy For Emergencies: The Trevor Project